i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
