I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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