I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
