My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The Olympian is in my bed
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