why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
