I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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