Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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