is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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