someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
