omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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