Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
