Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
