i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
