I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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