3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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