i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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