Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
