it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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