also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
My feet surprised me
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