my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
