My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
