either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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