Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
