Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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