Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
