I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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