My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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