You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
