Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
