wanna go halves on a baby?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
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