ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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