i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
