Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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