I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
