Michael Bay diarrhea
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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