I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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