you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
