You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
