Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
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