so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
