I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
BRING THE BAGELS
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
