I just threw up on my dentist
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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