Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
