this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
