i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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