Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
