my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
birth control should be required to get into college
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
