i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
