I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
