Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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