You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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