I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
